The power of three

It's summer and every summer I try to keep this blog fresh cliff notes version of  my life so far. I've been single for 10 going on 11 months, I  have moved into a place its temporary but it's more stable then me being in the dorms so hooray. I'm also working at my school I just got a raise all and all things are going well. My summer social  life is getting interesting as well. I like five guys but there are a few front runners though and I'm just looking to see how things play out trying not to get to wrapped up because they don't know about my status which is usually a game changer. Know  that your all caught up the next time I blog will be about the drama  that has  been going on and my dears it's some of the funnest and shady shit I've experienced.

When it rains

         I've always thought my emotions were connected to the weather, it seems to know what I refuse to express and does it for me. Sharing this thought makes me feel crazy but for my life this has proven it self to be true. Outside right now it's dark and the rain is heavy so that really to me says where this entry may need to go. I went to the  lgbt support group on my campus  and we had picked up from where we left off last week about how the break was for us being with our families and  if anything came up about our homosexuality, this was really hard for me to sit with since I was with a part of my family which i haven't seen in years so I thought they didn't know about my HIV status but then again why would I think that when my facebook post lately have been very open about that subject.

      The first part of my winter break was spent in Vegas with my mother who really didn't really to me become my mother until I became positive almost 2 years ago, I didn't stay in Vegas long because the woman I should have be able to trust lied to me about her living situation she was back with the man who made my first visit there a horrible experience and she knew how I felt about him and did not tell me before hand that they were back together I guess because she knew I wouldn't have come there and then she dropped another bomb on me they were to be married  and she wanted me to give her away i refused and made plans to leave there as soon as could and leave I did.

          Anyway I spent most of my break in GA I felt that during the break we danced around the subject of my being positive. I felt so uncomfortable being there in GA for many other reasons beyond that one, like another thing we talked  about in group in the last 2 weeks is memories of the past and how it has shaped us as adults the age group that was randomly picked from my life time for me to write a memory from was 3-5. This was an hard time for me to write about without being transported  to that time in my mind, at this time in my life  I remember that this was the last time my whole family lived together my father left us, my mother began her long affair with look for love, my brother was a baby, I was now an older brother and my sister molested me. This is one part I don't want to write because there is going to be so many members of my family that will react to this so after this is done I'm turning off my phone and will be unreachable for awhile. Now this will come full circle about why one of the reasons I was uncomfortable  was that most of my break was spent in the house of the woman who molested me and I've never confronted her. Another reason why I felt uncomfortable was being with a part of my family who at one time I felt rejected me and my homosexuality saying that I could not be permitted to be around my cousins who loved me beyond word because my being gay might influence them to be gay too.

     Seeing how those kids now teenagers have grown up especially the two oldest from what they shared with me, my being in their life is the last thing that would have effected them. They needed me so much someone to listen to them and their problems that I couldn't bear leaving them again, but I realized I cannot help anyone without helping myself. So I've been back in NJ for a few weeks now and I've been depressed and unable to focus on school with all that I've been thinking about my life, my family and love. Love such a funny fickle thing the man that I'm in love with the idea of doesn't see me like I see him, he only wants to be my friend and I don't blame him I'm a mess. He is so beautiful in and out, his mind, his smile his conversation, his talent, everything he is and represents makes me want him or at lease think I want him me being a hopeless romantic and all with the example that my mothers constant search for a companion makes me question my search  for love.

  So now I'm in this place when I want to forget my past and not confront it, I'm still upset with my mother and have lost trust in her, I want to be through with love and all it brings, and finally I want peace with whatever is going to happen with me, will all this work who knows.

Untill now

I've been really bad at keeping up with my blog and it's not that I don't have anything to say it's more like do you want to hear it do I even want to write it, to be open about what I think,  about  how I feel  and what's really affecting me. So in all boldness I will open up because holding it in is very painful and I want to be free. 2011 started with no gusto but change as swift as a riptide. It's been 8 months since I have gotten two diagnosis that have made me retreat from living. First I was diagnose as Manic Bipolar explains some things I guess, but as I know from being a Psychology Student being diagnose is not an exact science and some people believe if you buy into what your told your mind sometimes will grab onto that identity or as my ex said to me whatsoever you call a man he shall be. I wish that was the case with my second diagnosis of having H.I.V. I wish that I just thought I had it knowing really changes your life it changed mine. At first I was just dealing with it the way I deal with all bad news " I have to be strong for the people around me" telling my mother, father,brother ,sister and a select group of close friends who are like family I kept that strong front for 3 to 4 months then it hit me like a powerful left hook I started to mourn the life I lost readjusting my dreams that any day if I'm not on top of my health  it could decrease how I felt like I had nobody who could love someone who is diseased. I lost a lot that summer, the man I loved left me when because he was in love with his ex, my job of two years, the feeling of being safe emotionally I was staying somewhere that one person in the household didn't want me there so I left there only to go to a household that the two people who live there where just emotionally abusive to each other which really made me feel out of sorts and then on top of all that finding out I was positive. It was a fight not to be depress and not isolate myself until it was time to come back to school. Thank God for my now boyfriend he kept me near some type of sanity. I got back to Jersey it was business as usually I played the role of entertainer to hide the pain the where a lot of break downs before my major one and only one person knew and saw it  most of the time at lease. Then the day that everything and I do mean everything hit me I didn't want to live anymore so I tried to commit suicide, that attempt affected many people but the especially the three people who where with me at the time and for that I am forever sorry. I spent three days in a psychiatric ward one of the most eye opening experiences I ever had in my life. Now lets fast forward  to the last couple of months I really feel that not being in therapy for these past few weeks also not being in a HIV/AIDS support group not doing things to make me happy the change that I've seen and felt in a lot of my inner circle relationships have brought me 180 degrees  to the same starting point I always seem to be at adapting  to being a hermit alone by choice. I really want this to change but look at my current state I've had these common cold like symptoms for 3 weeks and I'm scared about my health to the point of depression and isolation. This is where I am for now.