The Doors of the Soul

Here is how I see it and there may be a debate, but it is my blog right? The story of my upbringing is not that different from most people I know. I was raised in church Tuesday choir, Wednesday Bible study, 9am-2pm Sunday church service, Summers vacation bible school and random other things in church.  
I was taught very great morals by my mother and the bible, but when I became brave enough to say who I am my church family turned me away. Now let me take a break from talking about me. I want to know if we have faith and believe in God, Creator, Allah, Shiva, Yahweh, Oshun,or any god/goddess Why is there war taken in name of "God and country"? Why is the separation of church and state not a practice?  
I'm so tired of politics and religion being in bed together. I'm tired of fanatics = A person filled with excessive single-minded zeal, especially for a extreme religious or political cause outweighing what seems to me to be the way the  world is trying to go. Now what this all have to do with faith? If you have faith in what you believe in, is it your job to make that belief law? We all are different, we all believe in different things, we have faith in our convictions and it is that faith that keeps us going. I know this may not make sense or maybe I'm just ranting but I would love to live where there is real freedom not where someones faith in there religion can affect the lives of everybody in this country, which was founded on religious freedom among other things. Why is it that if a religion is not mainstream it is labeled pagan when it's probably older than the more popular religions? Back to my story, accepting people it took awhile so much bias to get past but I get the look when I say I'm spiritual why? I refuse to be defined and to most that is a problem. 

WHAT YOU SEE

It's one of the greatest cliches " what you see is what you get" if only that were true. Due to vast world of endless possibilities we call life everything is in a constant state of change even death is a change from one state to the next. Nothing and I mean nothing is suppose to stay the same, growth is the only way to proceed. I want to grow and stop this train.What do I mean? I am at a point that I feel stuck and if I don't have a total break away I might as well not live anymore. The road I've been on paved  like the map of my D.N.A  has me heartbroken all the time, limited in my funds, just getting through the day. I spent so much time living in survival mode I just want to be able to just have one thing go right and not worry, I don't want to feel ugly and shy, I want to feel like this on the inside and fake it on the outside so what you see is not always what you get be sure to check the side affects.

The Check List

This is just my opinion but don't we have enough to deal with in life? Then why is there a need to classify people or yourself for that matter? Yes I  know we all have a type and that we are very unique people with limitless qualities but I  feel that the members of the LGBT community are among some of the worst "label whores" in the world it's like what society  thinks of us is not enough we have to put ourselves down as well. I too have taken part in this until I realize what it was doing to my self-esteem as a person I knew my attributes very well but I felt so trapped in that view point by not only myself but by others as well, it took me to be fed up with all the are you this or are you that to really look at my life. I think the only box you should ever be in is the one you are buried in if that is what you choose. Life is a place where there should be no wall  no person, place or thing should be in your way. The only title I do want in my life is to be called Dr.Charles L. Yarbrough .

Mr Nice Guy

I hope that now I have a CLEAR 4g mobile internet stick I can do this more. I have come to a point where I feel that if I'm not in my own way why should anything else be? There is so much I want to say and I am worried about my Dysgraphia keepng people from relating to me because my spelling and grammar is below where you think a 28 year old should be but the funny thing is if you talked to me you would never know I had this learning disability. I am going to push through in hopes that this let's someone like me know that nothing is impossible unless you let it be and I am so tired of being down and depressed about being homeless, being H.I.V positive, being single, being overweight in my eyes at lease,having people tell me I have gained weight and the rest of the negative things I hear or say. Today I want to keep on this journey of accepting what is and fixing what I can so if you expect me to be Mr. nice guy then be nice to me or get out of my way and out my live.

The Divo has spoken

The power of three

It's summer and every summer I try to keep this blog fresh cliff notes version of  my life so far. I've been single for 10 going on 11 months, I  have moved into a place its temporary but it's more stable then me being in the dorms so hooray. I'm also working at my school I just got a raise all and all things are going well. My summer social  life is getting interesting as well. I like five guys but there are a few front runners though and I'm just looking to see how things play out trying not to get to wrapped up because they don't know about my status which is usually a game changer. Know  that your all caught up the next time I blog will be about the drama  that has  been going on and my dears it's some of the funnest and shady shit I've experienced.

When it rains

         I've always thought my emotions were connected to the weather, it seems to know what I refuse to express and does it for me. Sharing this thought makes me feel crazy but for my life this has proven it self to be true. Outside right now it's dark and the rain is heavy so that really to me says where this entry may need to go. I went to the  lgbt support group on my campus  and we had picked up from where we left off last week about how the break was for us being with our families and  if anything came up about our homosexuality, this was really hard for me to sit with since I was with a part of my family which i haven't seen in years so I thought they didn't know about my HIV status but then again why would I think that when my facebook post lately have been very open about that subject.

      The first part of my winter break was spent in Vegas with my mother who really didn't really to me become my mother until I became positive almost 2 years ago, I didn't stay in Vegas long because the woman I should have be able to trust lied to me about her living situation she was back with the man who made my first visit there a horrible experience and she knew how I felt about him and did not tell me before hand that they were back together I guess because she knew I wouldn't have come there and then she dropped another bomb on me they were to be married  and she wanted me to give her away i refused and made plans to leave there as soon as could and leave I did.

          Anyway I spent most of my break in GA I felt that during the break we danced around the subject of my being positive. I felt so uncomfortable being there in GA for many other reasons beyond that one, like another thing we talked  about in group in the last 2 weeks is memories of the past and how it has shaped us as adults the age group that was randomly picked from my life time for me to write a memory from was 3-5. This was an hard time for me to write about without being transported  to that time in my mind, at this time in my life  I remember that this was the last time my whole family lived together my father left us, my mother began her long affair with look for love, my brother was a baby, I was now an older brother and my sister molested me. This is one part I don't want to write because there is going to be so many members of my family that will react to this so after this is done I'm turning off my phone and will be unreachable for awhile. Now this will come full circle about why one of the reasons I was uncomfortable  was that most of my break was spent in the house of the woman who molested me and I've never confronted her. Another reason why I felt uncomfortable was being with a part of my family who at one time I felt rejected me and my homosexuality saying that I could not be permitted to be around my cousins who loved me beyond word because my being gay might influence them to be gay too.

     Seeing how those kids now teenagers have grown up especially the two oldest from what they shared with me, my being in their life is the last thing that would have effected them. They needed me so much someone to listen to them and their problems that I couldn't bear leaving them again, but I realized I cannot help anyone without helping myself. So I've been back in NJ for a few weeks now and I've been depressed and unable to focus on school with all that I've been thinking about my life, my family and love. Love such a funny fickle thing the man that I'm in love with the idea of doesn't see me like I see him, he only wants to be my friend and I don't blame him I'm a mess. He is so beautiful in and out, his mind, his smile his conversation, his talent, everything he is and represents makes me want him or at lease think I want him me being a hopeless romantic and all with the example that my mothers constant search for a companion makes me question my search  for love.

  So now I'm in this place when I want to forget my past and not confront it, I'm still upset with my mother and have lost trust in her, I want to be through with love and all it brings, and finally I want peace with whatever is going to happen with me, will all this work who knows.

Back to the world

Well let me first say that I have to really buckle down and blog more because everyone has a story, and I feel that I have something to share that may not only help me in my growth and healing process but also help someone who's been there, is there or maybe will be there. Right now with all that's has gone on this summer with housing, my relationship and my health. I feel that I need not only to write  more but speak out more when things need to be spoken on