Dead End

Well it all comes down to this hour 11:38pm 5/19/2010. My back is now against the wall and I have nowhere left to go, I cry in thoughts of what's next? where can I go? I don't feel safe as in a shelter being that I am openly gay man and since they don't really screen who comes in  for emergency housing and anything can happen to me and my stuff that I really wouldn't be able to sleep in peace and really is it not  everyone's right to at lease have that? Well I really don't know anymore so can I get some help please? Can I have stabilty and peace? Can I live? Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavement even if the lead no where? Would it be a be a waste because I know my place?  Should I leave this earth?

ready to begin

Out From Behind the Mask




My final words are whispered in a prayer,
Bring me peace of mind
Give me strength less I fall
Guide me and never leave me lost,
Keep the ones I love safe
Keep the ones who hate me even safer.
For this life I lived is over,
No longer will I cry
I will feel no pain
I will accept the end
Please hear these words as I close my eyes in this body for the last time…

I stand in front of you stripped of all that I was hiding behind.

I need you to see me a person who not even I have seen.

I walk towards you crossing broken glass

In hopes that your touch will heal me.

I reach out towards you in hopes that my faith is not in vain,

I pray you won't let me down or turn me away.

Please hear my whispering scream.

Please look at the tears that fall inside of me.

I stand in front of you not yet complete

waiting for the final piece.

Waiting for peace.

It's almost time for me to be born almost 26 years  23111 Months months 100495 Weeks 703471 days 16883294 Hours and 1012997660 Minutes  that  I came into the world. My wish is to live a new life in a new way. I want health mental, physical, and spritrual. I want to be able to say good bye to all of my hurt I want the will to fight. I want to feel rested and peaceful. May 10th 2010 was a dark day I wanted to end  and never begain  again. I was tried of living in survival mode I had done that too long my memory couldn't recall the lies that kept me stable or what was webester's deffintion of what stable ment. I know I have a lot to do and explain and I will one day at a time. But  right now I am ready to begain  buliding  my room (mind body and sprit) for a new birth.

Enter the shining darkness

I'm feeling so queasy ugh, today I had therapy I had to admit a lot and keep from crying. I mean it seems all the time I plan something it falls through so I get depressed and it's draining. I'm so tired of fighting and gaining nothing it seems that  everything goes wrong.

Almost 26

Three days away from my birthday and I don't know where my life is taking me I am now soon to be homeless yet again this summer, jobless for the first time in six years and oh yeah I'm engaged. Know you may wonder wtf why didn't you tell someone? or You can always stay with me. or How did this all happen? Well this is the reason for this blog and hopefully since I don't know where I'm going to be hopefully I can answer these questions and give you an inside look at my past, present and unknown future. Well I have to start this packing process so I'll write more later.