Realness

Hello world it's been a long time, and I feel I owe you a lot. Here goes I'm back in school on my grind trying to get my grades up and I will succeed. I've been a little up and a lot of down I've been to the edge of darkness and stayed there till it nearly drove me to jump with no fear. I haven't been really good since I've come back Las Vegas and I think many know this. This is my second time in my live having to deal with coming out of a closet and just like the first time I was thinking of coming out to the world  my emotions are everywhere the freedom of being known is also the fear of  being known. The other have of that equation is learning how to accept myself and  know that it only gets better. I pray that I can do whatever needs to be done. I know that  somewhere there is someone who looks up to me and I'll never know them and coming to grips with realness my save my life and thiers.

Home

They Say home is  where the heart is and my home is with you, Asheenia Johnson, Shay Cook, De-Quan Jenkins Tais Taylor Jonathan Correa. My whole PEP crew each of you by name is so long  but know you are not less loved. My Father Louis Farmer My Mother Terri Slaughter-Cabbell all my brothers and sisters  where ever you may be know that I only a call away .Jared Ryan Jenkins, Anthony Lawrance Peterson, Deandre Cherry, Hassan Farrow Leon Ivan Jones  Caleb L. Coles you have changed me and walk me into man hood. Justice Ashlynn Monroe aka jboo you make me smile and laugh it's been awhile so I'll go slow.  Matthew Sands, Damian Rivas,Kris Phenix Andrew Peterson I wish I had more time with you guys are so fab.   Kevin Moore  Timothy Daniels Leroy Sellers Davone Singleton Devonn Seabrookes, Brione Martin I hope one day to have your Strong courage and  Timeless wisdom. Rara I want you outlook on life man  I'm trying to get home and take control of my life my education, my health I know if I don't get back home that if I died today or never made it back east that I know what home is.

For Good

My time on the west coast is almost over and I have been through so much down that I didn't even count up but I have to think what good came out this trip? A change of scene I could have went to GA for that. New friends now I know there is plan so the people I met while here are for my good there is a story to all of them there is a lesson from all of them. My family is dysfunctional whose family isn't but at this I need them to pull together for me, I know that sounds mad selfish but if only you knew what I am now going through you would say the same. One day when I have away to explain I will. Who can say that I've been changed for the better but I know I have been changed for good.

Set Her Where?

It's Finally over the secrets, 26 years of  silence has broken and i feel at peace I  never slept so well I never felt so at ease it's been  over 15 years since I let the child in me  speak nowthe choas is calm. What's next? I wish I can say I knew, I have to countiune the work on myself and  my realationships This long over due talk with my mom is the first step on the road to recovery.  ANY QUESTIONS?

The other side of the sunrise

It took two days nine hours and 43 minutes to get here but I have now been in Los Vegas and so much has happen. 1. When I  got here my mother and her man  got  into a argument over the phone about me being here so  as a result  he wasn't here for the first  week and a half then he came back and really didn't  speak to me till today. 2. Not  3  to 4  days after I got here my mother got laid off her job so  yeah. She hard headed she wants to go back to school and focus on me and my brother getting jobs. I've made it more than clear  that I have no  plans to stay here. Then I guess the distance became too much for my fiance so he end our relationship no more than 3 days ago. Now I don't know how to feel or to think the only thing keeping me sane is my medicine and me taking my moms black lab for walks I want to escape from this drama  and head back east but what would that solve it would be me running from one situation into another and I'm tired of running from my problems pray for me.

Dead End

Well it all comes down to this hour 11:38pm 5/19/2010. My back is now against the wall and I have nowhere left to go, I cry in thoughts of what's next? where can I go? I don't feel safe as in a shelter being that I am openly gay man and since they don't really screen who comes in  for emergency housing and anything can happen to me and my stuff that I really wouldn't be able to sleep in peace and really is it not  everyone's right to at lease have that? Well I really don't know anymore so can I get some help please? Can I have stabilty and peace? Can I live? Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavement even if the lead no where? Would it be a be a waste because I know my place?  Should I leave this earth?

ready to begin

Out From Behind the Mask




My final words are whispered in a prayer,
Bring me peace of mind
Give me strength less I fall
Guide me and never leave me lost,
Keep the ones I love safe
Keep the ones who hate me even safer.
For this life I lived is over,
No longer will I cry
I will feel no pain
I will accept the end
Please hear these words as I close my eyes in this body for the last time…

I stand in front of you stripped of all that I was hiding behind.

I need you to see me a person who not even I have seen.

I walk towards you crossing broken glass

In hopes that your touch will heal me.

I reach out towards you in hopes that my faith is not in vain,

I pray you won't let me down or turn me away.

Please hear my whispering scream.

Please look at the tears that fall inside of me.

I stand in front of you not yet complete

waiting for the final piece.

Waiting for peace.

It's almost time for me to be born almost 26 years  23111 Months months 100495 Weeks 703471 days 16883294 Hours and 1012997660 Minutes  that  I came into the world. My wish is to live a new life in a new way. I want health mental, physical, and spritrual. I want to be able to say good bye to all of my hurt I want the will to fight. I want to feel rested and peaceful. May 10th 2010 was a dark day I wanted to end  and never begain  again. I was tried of living in survival mode I had done that too long my memory couldn't recall the lies that kept me stable or what was webester's deffintion of what stable ment. I know I have a lot to do and explain and I will one day at a time. But  right now I am ready to begain  buliding  my room (mind body and sprit) for a new birth.

Enter the shining darkness

I'm feeling so queasy ugh, today I had therapy I had to admit a lot and keep from crying. I mean it seems all the time I plan something it falls through so I get depressed and it's draining. I'm so tired of fighting and gaining nothing it seems that  everything goes wrong.

Almost 26

Three days away from my birthday and I don't know where my life is taking me I am now soon to be homeless yet again this summer, jobless for the first time in six years and oh yeah I'm engaged. Know you may wonder wtf why didn't you tell someone? or You can always stay with me. or How did this all happen? Well this is the reason for this blog and hopefully since I don't know where I'm going to be hopefully I can answer these questions and give you an inside look at my past, present and unknown future. Well I have to start this packing process so I'll write more later.