Back to the world

Well let me first say that I have to really buckle down and blog more because everyone has a story, and I feel that I have something to share that may not only help me in my growth and healing process but also help someone who's been there, is there or maybe will be there. Right now with all that's has gone on this summer with housing, my relationship and my health. I feel that I need not only to write  more but speak out more when things need to be spoken on

Untill now

I've been really bad at keeping up with my blog and it's not that I don't have anything to say it's more like do you want to hear it do I even want to write it, to be open about what I think,  about  how I feel  and what's really affecting me. So in all boldness I will open up because holding it in is very painful and I want to be free. 2011 started with no gusto but change as swift as a riptide. It's been 8 months since I have gotten two diagnosis that have made me retreat from living. First I was diagnose as Manic Bipolar explains some things I guess, but as I know from being a Psychology Student being diagnose is not an exact science and some people believe if you buy into what your told your mind sometimes will grab onto that identity or as my ex said to me whatsoever you call a man he shall be. I wish that was the case with my second diagnosis of having H.I.V. I wish that I just thought I had it knowing really changes your life it changed mine. At first I was just dealing with it the way I deal with all bad news " I have to be strong for the people around me" telling my mother, father,brother ,sister and a select group of close friends who are like family I kept that strong front for 3 to 4 months then it hit me like a powerful left hook I started to mourn the life I lost readjusting my dreams that any day if I'm not on top of my health  it could decrease how I felt like I had nobody who could love someone who is diseased. I lost a lot that summer, the man I loved left me when because he was in love with his ex, my job of two years, the feeling of being safe emotionally I was staying somewhere that one person in the household didn't want me there so I left there only to go to a household that the two people who live there where just emotionally abusive to each other which really made me feel out of sorts and then on top of all that finding out I was positive. It was a fight not to be depress and not isolate myself until it was time to come back to school. Thank God for my now boyfriend he kept me near some type of sanity. I got back to Jersey it was business as usually I played the role of entertainer to hide the pain the where a lot of break downs before my major one and only one person knew and saw it  most of the time at lease. Then the day that everything and I do mean everything hit me I didn't want to live anymore so I tried to commit suicide, that attempt affected many people but the especially the three people who where with me at the time and for that I am forever sorry. I spent three days in a psychiatric ward one of the most eye opening experiences I ever had in my life. Now lets fast forward  to the last couple of months I really feel that not being in therapy for these past few weeks also not being in a HIV/AIDS support group not doing things to make me happy the change that I've seen and felt in a lot of my inner circle relationships have brought me 180 degrees  to the same starting point I always seem to be at adapting  to being a hermit alone by choice. I really want this to change but look at my current state I've had these common cold like symptoms for 3 weeks and I'm scared about my health to the point of depression and isolation. This is where I am for now.